تا حقارتهای فرافکنی شده (۱) دیگران، حال تو را بد می کند، باید نگران حقارتهایی که در پی مخفی کردن آن هستی، باشی! (۴)
اینکه شهرستانی بودنت، پایین شهری بودنت، خونه کوچک پدریت، احیانا کم سوادی پدر و مادرت، شغل پدرت، به زعم تو ضعیف بودن مادرت، آروزهای براورده نشده کودکیت و چه می دانم هزار و یک دلیل برای احساس حقارت را پذیرفته باشی و در تلاش درک معنای آن باشی کجا و اینکه برای فرار از آن و مخفی کردن آن چه کارها نکرده باشی و به چه حقارتهای واقعی تن داده باشی کجا! اگر چه ادعای رها شدن کامل از این احساس حقارت (۲) گزاف و به تعبیر بهتر دست نیافتنی است!
بالاخره (۳) امروز یا فردا، به اختیار یا اجبار، درک خواهیم کرد، که اصالت با چیست؟!
فقیر و غنی بودن، زشت و زیبا بودن، توانا یا ناتوان بودن و هزاران بودن یا نبودنی که ارزش داوری ما خواسته یا ناخواسته بر آنها متصور است هیچکدام اصیل نیست! آن روز دیگر از تلاشهای بیهوده مان برای فرار از این واقعیت یا خسته می شویم یا دست می کشیم و وارد دنیای معنا می شویم! دنیایی که دیگر هیچ چیزی تصادفی نیست و پدیده عجیب و بزرگ ((همزمانی)) اتفاق می افتد و کائنات تمام قد در خدمت ما قرار می گیرند تا معنا را بیابیم!
حالم خیلی خوب است!
حتی دغدغه تا دیروز بعد از ظهرم از ((تصنعی بودن محتمل این حال خوب)) را دیگر ندارم! (۴)
دیگر حکم ((توهم)) برای این حال خوب کمتر مرا به فکر فرو می برد.
آنها شاید دنبال شواهد اثبات شده ای برای آن حال خوب به تعبیر آنها توهمی که تو از آن می گویی می گردند و از کجا معلوم که تمام آفاق بزرگ انفس را باز هایی چون یونگ و فروید و نیچه و … درنوردیده اند! حتی عقابانی چون مولوی و حافظ نیز این ادعا را نداشتند! و چقدر حداقل ذهنی، به ابر انسانی که می دانم جهان از حضور او هیچگاه خالی نخواهد ماند، نیاز مبرم دارم!
و تا امروز شاه بیت اندک شعرهایی که گفتم ام این است:
((کسی که راه نرفته چه رهنمون سازد،
که کور کور دگر را به چاه اندازد … ))
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(۲) احساس حقارت را همه انسانها تجربه می کنند! آدم وقتی که می فهمد ((خدا)) نیست احساس حقارتش شروع می شود. از همان روزی که به دنیا می آید بلاخره کسی را خواهد یافت که کاری می تواند انجام دهد، یا چیزی دارد یا طوری می تواند باشد که او نمی تواند انجام دهد، داشته باشد یا باشد! سنت خداوند بر همین است و این راه به ما نشان می دهد که چقدر ((فقیر))یم! و آنهایی که به جای فرار از این حقارت، معنای آن را درک می کنند در مقابل باری فقیر و از همه خلاق ((الا هو))
(۳) چهار مرحله بلوغ روانی به ترتیبی که از سهیل رضایی شنیدیم و به منبع اصلی آن آگاهی ندارم اینگونه است که انسان پس از تولد هیچ چیز نمی دانم و خود را با اراده والدینمان ((تطبیق)) می دهیم! این مرحله – نفس والدین (Ego Parent) – مهمترین و ناگزیرترین مرحله روانی انسانهاست که کثیری از انسانها هیچگاه واقعا از آن نجات پیدا نمی کنند اگر چه گاهی مخالفت کردن با آنها را با رهایی از این مرحله اشتباه می گیرند! آدمها کم کم وارد مرحله بعدی که جایی بیرون از خانه است می شوند و با ایگویی بزرگتر آشنا می شوند که (Ego World) است که معمولا ادامه و انعکاس مرحله قبلی است! ما چیزی می شویم که والدین ما به ما افتخار کنند! دوستمان داشته باشند یا از آن بودن یا شدن یا داشتن خوشنود می شوند و سالها طول می کشد که می فهمیم لزوما آنچه آنها می خواستند ما را خوشنود نمی کند و چقدر کم اند آدمهایی که به این مرحله می رسند! این مرحله با شکوه، نفس خود (Ego Self) است که تازه خود حقیقیمان را می یابیم! سئوال سهمگین این روزهای من همین خود حقیقی است! اینجا همانجایی که ((من عرف نفسه فقد عرف ربه)) است! و مرحله نهایی روزی است که کاملا با انطباق خود حقیقی با حقیقت برتر که خالق و طراح وجود ماست می رسیم! و این مرحله به تعبیر این مراحل (Ego GOD) است.
(۴) اگر این نوشته ها برای فرار و توجیه حقارتهایی است که در من بوده و دیروز بالا آمده است معلوم است که حقیرم و هر آنچه تا کنون جمع کردم راهی برای فرار از این عقده حقارت بوده است و یافته ها و بافته هایم نه تنها نجاتم نداده بلکه گمراهمترم کرده است!
(۵) امروز بالاترین ضربان قلبم را در این چندماهی که به صورت دوره ای آن را اندازه گیری می کنم تجربه کردم! ۸۸ BPM!
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