
مدیدی است که وقتی موضوعی ذهنم را درگیر میکند به واسطه اعتقادی که به معجزه همزمانی دارم به آنچه در چند روز گذشته به آن برخوردم نظر میکنم و معمولا جواب پرسش خود را به روشنی میابم. اما این دو راهی کمی گیج کننده تر از آن است که می اندیشیدم:
موفقیت یا رضایت!؟
این سئوال ذهنی که نارضایتی همیشگی از وضع موجود و تلاش برای بهبود روزافزون شاید به موفقیت منجر شود اما به رضایت نه! را هنوز به عنوان موضوعی باز در پس پشت ذهنم باز نگه داشته ام! اما چه باید کرد؟
به خودم که نگاه می کنم، همین اندک توانایی که دارم ماحصل انتظار سیریناپذیر خود و چند مدیری است که نزد آنها بسیار آموخته ام می دانم. خوب یادم هست خیلی ها همیشه مرا نصیحت می کردند که لازم نیست همه آنچه میتوانی را رو کنی! چون هر چه بهتر و بهتر شوی باز از تو بیشتر انتظار خواهند داشت و من در مقابل این خواسته خیرخواهانه آنها! مقاومت کردم و همیشه به هر نقطه ای از توانایی، مهارت یا هر چه اسمش را بگذارید که رسیده ام، راضی نبوده ام و در نقطه اوج از خودم پرسیدم این بهترین شکل انجام آن کار یا بهترین من است یا این نقطه اوج نسبی اینجا و اکنون است و حتماً بهتر از آن وجود دارد! و به واسطه اینکه کائنات تئوریهای ما را اثبات میکند، نیز این تئوری همیشه تایید شده است.
خدا رحمت کند، مهندس شریف – که بی شک یکی از تأثیرگذارترین های تمام زندگی من باقی خواهد ماند – به من می گفت تو ذاتاً و با توجه به شخصیتت برای نشو و نما به استرس نیاز داری! و اگر شرایطی استرس نداشته باشد، ناخودآگاه استرس ایجاد می کنی! این تحلیل را می گذارم پهلوی این وسواس مفید بودن و بیشتر مفید بودن و اینکه یک استرس همیشگی، حتی اگر انکارش کنم در من هست، که اگر آثار بالینی این استرس را امسال با پوست و گوشت درک نکرده بود شاید هیچگاه زیر بار آن نمی رفتم. اما پرسشی که در من بیپاسخ میماند اگر من به یک نعیم معمولیتر از این، رضایت داده بودم خیلی از این چیزهایی که از آنها هویت می گیرم دست نمی یافتم آیا اتفاق خاصی می افتاد!؟ و جمع بندی ذهنی ام که نمی دانم عقده ای است یا معنایی سر بر می آورد که اگر هر کس به بهترین مادی و معنوی خود نرسد اسراف کرده است و این آیه در پیش ذهنم نقش می بندد که خدا از هیچ کس بیش از ظرفیتش انتظار ندارد و بلافاصله پاسخ می دهم که آیا بدون ناراضی بودن ته ظرفیت چیزی یا کسی قابل سنجش است!؟ و خسته و کوفته از این تأملات پایان ناپذیر این ذهن ناآرام، یادم می آید که اگر این تلاش روزافزون برای چیزی شدن، با آنچه از نظر کسی کمال مطلوب است همخوانی نداشته باشد فقط تکلف است و تکلف و در این قرابت میان کمال مطلوب و تلاش روزافزون است که موفقیت و رضایت با یکدیگر ممزوجی ترش و شیرین میسازد.
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