
این پرسش مدتی است که ذهنم را درگیر کرده است که از چه سنی از کودک انتظار فهم خوب و بد می رود و موجه است که با باید و نباید او را به چیزی امر و یا از چیزی نهی کرد.
در پس هم امر و نهی ای یک پیش فرض محتمل است: ((مخاطب معنای امر و نهی ما را می فهمد!)) اما مدلهای موجود در مراحل رشد اخلاقی در کودکان مانند مدل #کلبرگ و #کلگن و #پیاژه به ما می گویند که فهم کودک از اخلاق، آنهم نه اخلاقی که در سنین بالاتری بالمره دگرگون می شود در قبل از چهارسالگی رخ نمی دهد!!
پذیرش این ادعا به این معناست که هر آنچه از خشم و عصبانیت یا از ترس تاخیر بر سر کودکان زیر ۴-۵ سالمان به دلیل آنچه آن را عصیان و نافرمانی می انگاشتیم، بردیم، یک سوتفاهم با تبعات سنگین برای ما، برای او و برای نسلها بعد از او بوده است.
پیش از این در یادداشتی با عنوان چگونه میتوان یک نهنگ را تربیت کرد که مورد اقبال مخاطبین محترم نیز واقع گردید توضیح دادم که #بلانچارد با پژوهشی که بر سبک تربیتی مربیان نهنگهای سیرک ها کرده است مدعی است که بر هر چیز تمرکز کنیم تقویت می شود! و با این ادعا پیشنهاد می کند که به جای تمرکز و صرف انرژی بر رفتارهای نادرست، بهتر است از آنها چشم پوشی کنیم و انرژیمان را بر رفتارهای صحیح و مناسب متمرکز کنیم.
فارغ از اینکه سن فهم اخلاقی کودک را چند سال یا چند ماه بدانیم ناگزیریم بپذیریم که تا زمانی که کودک به فهم لازم برای درک آنچه توسعاً می توان آن را اخلاق نامید، نرسیده است، واکنش او به امر و نهی ما، فارغ از معنای آن، بیشتر تابع #زبان_بدن و انرژی و طرز بیان آن است! اگر والدین کودک از گروهی باشند که معتقد است کار از منظر او خوب وظیفه است یا انسانها عموماً از خوبی گریزانند، طبیعتاً بیشتر انرژی کنترلگرانه خود را به نهی از امر به درک خود بد کنند. متاسفانه این به معنای شروع به برچسب زنی های مثل خسیس، خشن، دروغگو، نافرمان و یا جمع آن در پدیده ای به نام #کودک_بد است! در حالیکه هیچ نظریه رشد اخلاقی، آنقدر که من دیده ام، مثبت این پدیده نیست و این سوتفاهم، قطعاً فرآورده ای جز تقویت همان ناپسندهای ما در کودک ندارند.
باری! باور دارم اگر انتظار درک امور اخلاقی از کودکان را تا ۴-۵ سالگیشان به تاخیر بیاندازیم یا دستکم کاهش دهیم، از یک سوی پدران و مادران کنترلگر، عصبانی و خدای ناکرده تنبیه گر کمتری خواهیم داشت و از سوی دیگر از دست رفتن معصومیت کودکانمان تا سنی که حقیقتاً بار کردن مفهوم عصیان بر رفتار آنها مفهوم و معنا دارد به تاخیر می افتد.
با اصلاح این خطای معرفتی، کمتر شاهد خواهیم بود که پر شدن گوش عزیزانمان از این همه أوامر و نواهی اکثراً نامربوط، امر و نهی های مهم و حساس ما در بزنگاههای حساس زندگیشان را بی اثر و کم فروع کند.
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