
چقدر خوشحالم که به دنیا آمدی!
و چقدر خوشحالم که واسطه آمدنم به دنیا تو هستی!
ولی چقدر در مخاطب قرار دادن و روبرو شدن با تو احساس ضعف می کنم!
حتی پس از این سی و چند روز!! گذشته …
وقتی تو را مخاطب قرار می دهم حتی مفاهیم و کلمات هم از ذهن ساختاریافته ام می گریزند!
این همه کلمه و مفاهیم قلمبه ثلمبه ای که در این سی و چند سال!! از رشته ها و زمینه های گوناگون یاد گرفتم تا به کار ببرم و در عالم ناخودآگاه به خودم نشان بدهم که من بزرگترین قهرمان را زمین زدم!! نیز افاقه نمی کند!!
من در مواجهه با تو با آن اقتدار مردانه ای که داری هنوز کم می آورم! (۰)
اخیرا چیزی بسیار شفا دهنده کشف کرده ام!
– البته شبیه این را در آن کلیپ ((به نام پدر)) قبلا با تو در میان گذاشته ام! –
من و تو، اولین و آخرین پدر و پسرانی نیستیم که روزگاری مشکلاتی باهم داشته اند!!، مشکلاتی انقدر طبیعی که جز در جلسات شبه روانکاوی در آن سخن گفتن توضیح واضحات است!
آشنایی با اسطوره ها (۱) چقدر زخمهای ناخواسته را شفا می دهد،
– نمی دانم چرا آسمان یک دفعه تا اینقدر دچار تب و تاب شد و هی خود را به در و دیوار می زند! –
دوستی (۲) برایم از اسطوره سرخ پوستی، پرده برداشت که از عجیب ترین و قابل درک ترین اسطوره های متعددی بود که در این ماهها آنها را خورده ام!!!
((پدر و پسری به شکار می روند!
همان دم دمهای صبح پدر موش لاغری را شکار می کند و از پسر می خواهد آن را در انبان خود نگهدارد،
روز می گذرد و تلاشهای پدر و پسر نافرجام می ماند!
شب هنگام پدر از پسر شکار نه چندان جذابشان را مطالبه می کند و پسر با سرافکندگی می گوید که همان صبح، موش را به زعم اینکه به درد نمی خورده است رها کرده است! و ناگهان پدر تبر بر می دارد و به … (۳) می زند! و او را رها می کند و می رود!
رییس قبیله ای چند روز بعد جوان را زخمی و آسیب دیده می بیند و به او این مژده را می دهد که پسر او در جنگی کشته شده است و کسی از این موضوع خبر ندارد و او می تواند به جای آن پسر گمشده معرفی شود! سکه بر می گردد و پسر رها شده و زخمی به پسر رییس قبیله مبدل می شود اما چند سال که از این خوشبختی می گذرد ناگهان پدر واقعی پسر باز می گردد و پسر بر سر دو راهی بازگشت به خانه یا ماندن در خانه و نزد پدر جدید قرار می گیرد. (۴) ))
شاید تا سی و اندی روز پیش من نیز مانند این پسر زخم خورده هیچگاه حتی به بخشش (روانی) تو نمی اندیشیدم! و با جانشین پدرهای متعددی که یافته بودم این فاصله را حفظ می کردم، اما توصیه آن دوست بر دلم نشست! رفتم و در داستان زندگی تو غور کردم! نه به هوای اینکه بهانه های متعدد دیگری برای توجیه تصویر نه چندان منقشی که از تو ساخته بودم، بلکه به این نیت که داستان زندگی پدران، شروع داستان زندگی من و راهگشای بسیاری از گره های امروز و فردا ست …
پسر کوچک اوس ابراهیم معمار، خیلی زودتر از آنکه حتی کودکانِ کاری که امروز بسیاری برای آنها غصه می خوردند مجبور شد به سر کار برود!
افتخاری که مام بزرگ به آوردن حلب روغنی به اندازه قد و اندازه خودت می کرد را امروز به گونه ای دیگر می فهمم!
امروز خوب می فهمم که چرا تا وقتی دیپلم نگرفته بودم حق نداشتم به سر کار بروم!
تعریف مرد را امروز خیلی بهتر می فهمم! تو همیشه می گفتی مرد باید با باستنش در را باز کند! (۵)
روزگار (۶) از تو مردی ساخته بود بزرگتر از سنش که هر چند ناخودآگاه، یک روز سخت که شاید معمار را در مخمصه دیده بود قسم خورده بود که هیچگاه هشتش گروی نهش نشود! تو هم دقیقا مث معمار از قرض کردن ابا داشتی و اگر چه شاید درآمد ریالی ات از خیلی هایی که از تو پول قرض می کردند کمتر بود اما هیچکس باور نمی کرد که تو درآمدت چقدر است!! چون یک عمر همیشه آماده روز مبادا بودی.
مامان همیشه به تو افتخار می کرد که به جز سیگارت و هزینه نه چندان قابل توجه رفت و آمدت که بیشتر آن را پیاده می رفتی و هنوز می روی حتی یک دونه پسته بیرون از خانه و بدون من و امیر نخورده ای! (۷)
روزگار تو را با دستاوردهایت تعریف کرده بود، با مسئولیت پذیری که هر وقت به آن فکر می کنم خود را از پدر شدن ناتوان می بینم! مسئولیت پذیری که تا اکنون حتی نه دستی از ما شکسته است و نه حتی خراشی بر ما افتاده! اگر چه شاید گاهی من به خود جسارت دادم و این سطح مسئولیت پذیری را وسواس یا کنترل گری انگ زدم!
روزگار با زخم هایش از تو روح بزرگی (۸) ساخته بود که همیشه تفرد را به در جمع بودن ترجیح می داد! تا همین سی و اندی روز پیش همیشه به تو انتقاد داشتم که نمی توانی حتی سه ساعت در جمع بودن، حتی در جمع آشنایان و بستگان بودند را تحمل کنی و امروز خودم آنچنان با تنهایی عشق بازی می کنم که آن تقلاهایی که در کودکی برای بیشتر ماندن در خانه عمه منیژه می کردم را اصلا نمی فهمم و در قالب یک فرزانه مصنوعی! آنها را یک واکنش به تو تحلیل می کنم!!!
امروز خیلی بهتر می فهمم که انتظار بی جایی که برای تایید مثلا شاگرد اول شدنم در دانشگاه داشتم چقدر اولا برای تو ناشناخته و از طرف دیگر چالش بر انگیز بوده است و دیگر ((با این معدل ۱۹ می توانی چه کنی؟)) عقده ای را در من فعال نمی کند! (۹)
امروز چقدر صمیمانه می فهمم که دراز نکردن پایت را به کوچک بودن گلیمت نمی توان نسبت داد و چقدر اصالت دستاوردهای تو را با پوست و گوشت درک می کنم! و چقدر درک می کنم هزار تومنِ با برکت تو از میلیون ها تومن معمولی دیگر بزرگتر است!
با همه موفقیت هایی که داشتی اما یک جا شکست خوردی! با همه تلاشهایی که کردی!
آری! همه تلاشهایی که کردی پدری باشی که نشود به تو دل بست، تا به تو دل نبدم تا موقع رفتن و جدایی این فقدان درد کمتری داشته باشد بی نتیجه مانده و من و بیش از من، تو در پشت تمام این نقابهای مثلا سخت دلی! چقدر عاشقانه همدیگر را طلب کردیم! و چقدر این فقدان می تواند دشوار باشد! و همیشه از ترسهایم می ترسم! چون می دانم ترسهایم خیلی زود به سراغم می آیند و البته همچنان جای شکر دارد که این بیداری دارد به ۴۰روز می رسد و نمی دانم ۴۰ سال یا و یا کمتر و بیشتر ادامه خواهد داشت یا …
دارم تلاش می کنم! سی و اندی روز است که دارم تلاش می کنم وقتی تو را در آغوش می گیرم بتوانم کمی غیرعادی تر باشم و تو را همانگونه که شایسته همه این سالها مناسبتهای پدر و پسریمان است در آغوش بکشم …
خیلی خوشحالم که ۵۶ سال (۱۰) پیش،
در دومین روز دومین ماه سال به دنیا آمدی
و چقدر خوشحالم که ۲۴ سال بعد، واسطه آمدنم به دنیا شدی!
با تمام وجود بهت افتخار می کنم
و عاشقانه دوستت دارم قهرمان بزرگ زندگی من! (۱۱)
————————–
پی نوشت:
(۰) تئوری جالبی داشتی و داری! که اولین باری که دستت روی بچه ات دراز شد کار تمام است! و چرا یادم نمی آید یک بار حتی سر ما داد کشیده باشی و شاید آن چشمهای نافذ تو را از این تقلا بی نیاز می کرد …
(۱) چیزی مثلا نزدیک به عقده ادیپ / الکترا البته نزدیک به آنچه یونگ می گوید نه فروید!!
(۲) سهیل رضایی
(۳) اینکه شما کجا را جای این سه نقطه می گذارید دقیقا همان نقطه ای است که به واسطه به رسمت نشمردن دستاوردهای او که احتمالا از رقابت ناخودآگاه پدر و پسر ناشی می شود از او زخم خورده اید! که نیاز به تحلیل دارد و می توانید به دوره ((سفرقهرمانی مرد)) سهیل رضایی مراجعه کنید.
(۴) این تصمیم نیز متضمن انتخاب سفر قهرمانی شماست میان یگانگی با پدر یا اتحاد با جانشین پدر!
(۵) چون دستش پر است از خرید و دستاورد برای خانواده اش!
(۶) من به قسمی که خداوند برای تقدیس روزگار در سوره عصر می خورد اعتقاد دارم و فاعل نمودن روزگار در این سطور را کاملا از جنبه مثبت استعمال کرده ام!
(۷) البته نعیم اینجا و اکنون این را ارزش نمی داند!
(۸) دیروز به رضا ببری انتقاد کردم که اگر در تعریف پدر و مادر همیشه آنها را کاملا نور ببینیم یه جا را داریم اشتباه می رویم و امروز که دارم می نویسیم خیلی از چیزهایی که شاید تا سی و اندی روز پیش آنها را تاریکی می دیدم امروز نه اینکه آنها را نور ببینم اما حس بدی به آنها ندارم!!
(۹) عقده وقتی فعال می شود که ضربان قلب تغییر کند، احتمالا دمای بدن بالا رود، احساسات از کنترل خارج شود و وقتی کسی تعریف می کند که در آن حال اینگونه بودی باور نکنی!
(۱۰) هنوز باور نمی کنم و الان که دارم سن تو را با انگشتان لرزانم می شمرم برایم باور نکردنی است! ۵۶ سال سنی است که من همیشه مامانی را در آن متصور هستم! ۴۰ساله برای تو و ۲۷ساله!! برای مامان! و امیری که برای محاسبه سنش با این ۱ سال و بیست روز اختلاف دچار مشکل نمی شوم!
(۱۱) و کاش بیداری هم واگیر داشت و می شد یگانگی با پدر را به همه آنهایی که دوستشان دارم سرایت دهم که تئوری امروز من با همه اطلاعات اندک و پرداکنده ای که در حوزه روان دارم این است که پدر بخش مهمی از روح است و شناخت و یگانگی آن لازمه ملاقات با خویش (Self) و سفر قهرمانی هر مرد (و زنی) است.
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