
این یادداشت تقدیم می شود به شایان و علیرضا، پسرعمو و پسرعمه عزیزم که به تازگی به سربازی رفته اند.
دخترها به اقتضای طبیعتشان، بلوغ را با پوست و گوشت درک می کنند. آنها در همه چیز زودتر از پسران می رسند! معمولا زودتر حرف می زنند! زودتر راه می روند! زودتر می فهمند و زودتر هم بالغ می شوند! اما فرآورده تحقیقات تجربی موید این ادعاست که پسرها برای عبور از نرینگی به مردانگی مجبورند آگاهانه و مختارانه اقدام کنند.
هنوز هم در قبیله های کمتر دستخوش تمدن واقع شده مرسوم است که پسرها وقتی به سن مشخصی می رسند آنها را مدتی از مادرانشان دور می کنند. آنها در این مدت به شکار می روند و سختی های متعددی را متقبل می شوند. در بعضی از قبلیه ها رسم است که در این سن زخمی مانند شکستن دندان یا چیزهایی شبیه به این هم اتفاق بیافتد. شاید خنده دار باشد اما بر اساس مطالعات صد سال اخیر روانکاوان عمقی پسرها در این گونه جوامع مردتر هستند. منظور از مردتر به هیچ روی ارزشداوری جنسیتی نیست، در روانکاوی عمقی زنان و مردان هر دو روان مردانه و زنانه را با هم دارند و از نظر ارزشی تفاوتی با هم ندارد، اما نقش آنها با یکدیگر متفاوت است و این تفاوت از خمیر مایه وجودی آنها که در مرور زمان نیز تقویت شده است نشات می گیرد. هنوز هم، انتظار پذیرفتن مسئولیت خانواده بیشتر از مردها می رود اگر چه این روزها شاهد نسلی از زنان هستیم که این بارِ به زمین مانده توسط مردان نَرم را به دوش گرفته اند. در جوامع مدرن، پدرها به جای شکار و زندگی بدوی که به پسران مجال مشاهده ظهور و بروز وجوه مردانه را می داد، به کارخانه ها رفتند و دیرتر و دیرتر به خانه بازگشتند و روز به روز کمتر تربیت پسران خود را تقبل کردند. این غیبت ناموجه! نسل به نسل از پدران ما، #پدران_غایب و از پسران ما نیمه بالغ هایی ساخت که ضمن تحقیر پدران خود حتی حاضر نبودند در امرار معاش خود و تشکیل خانواده قدمی بردارند. باری! این گروه کم خطر اگر چه پسران تحسین شده زبان جامعه زنانه بودند اما ناخودآگاهِ زنان را نیز جذب نمی کردند! به تعبیری نه این ها پا پیش می گذاشتند و نه آنها میل و رغبتی برای آن داشتند که این موجودات نرم و بی هویت را در کنار خود داشته باشند! رابرت بلای در کتاب #مرد_مرد، به خوبی نشان می دهد که نقطه عطف تحقق بلوغ پسران، آشتی با پدران یا به تعبیر روانکاوانه تر، ورود به روان مردانه است. پسر برای مرد شدن بالاخره باید تصمیمش را بگیرد! یا باید به همان پسر خوب مامان بودن ادامه دهد و به موجودی تبدیل شود که حقیقتاً نیست! یا باید عصیان کند و این گام سخت را بردارد و به دنیای مردانه که شاید خودآگاه گروهی از زنان آن را چندان نپسند وارد شود! دنیایی که ناخودآگاه آنان، آن را با تمام وجود می ستاید. نشانه این ادعا می تواند هزاران پسر خوب تحصیلکرده و سر به راهی باشد که دهه سوم زندگی خود را می گذراند اما هنوز از مادر یا پدرشان پول تو جیبی می گیرند و بعید است حتی تا پایان عمر از توان پذیرفتن مسئولیت یک زندگی مستقل برآیند، اما از دیگر سوی پسرانی را داریم که به رغم انتقادات مادران خود، به آن صفاتی که شرح مختصرش رفت متصف ماندن، خیلی زودتر بلوغ تشکیل یک خانواده را یافتند و به اصطلاح مرد شدند.
اگر نتیجه مطالعات بلای و بسیاری از یونگین های دیگر را بپذیریم، سربازی رفتن، به مدرسه های شبانه روزی رفتن، اقامت در خوابگاههای دانشگاه ها، اردوهای طولانی مدت و هرچه بتواند در سنین بلوغ این جدایی از روان مادر و آشتی با روان پدر را رقم بزند می تواند به تحقق این بلوغ، جامه عمل بپوشاند. پس می توان شواهد علمی و تجربی به نفع این حکمت عامیه که سربازی، می تواند از پسران مرد بسازد، اقامه کرد. البته این به این معنا نیست که برای تحقق این مهم نیاز به این مدت طولانی اتلاف وقت و عمر و جوانی و فاصله افتادن میان تحصیلات و دنیای واقعی این زبان بسته هاست. می توان روشهای دیگری مثل آنچه در کشوری مثل دانمارک در سفر های خاص پس از پایان دبیرستان و قبل از ورود به دانشگاه در مدت سه ماه اتفاق می افتد را داشت.
پس از این مقدمه این سئوال ممکن است ذهن مخاطبین محترم را بگزد که این دوره که بی تردید بر آن انتقادات متعددی وارد است را چگونه باید گذراند که مرارت و تلخی آن کمتر شود؟ به زعم من که البته خرما خورده ای هستم که نفی خرما خوردن می کنم، شاید بتوان با این اندیشه که این مدت طولانی نیز دوره ای از زندگی خواهد بود که ضمن اینکه از مواجهه با آن ناگزیریم اما می تواند بالمره اتلاف و وقت گذراندن صرف نباشد. این دوره می تواند روز به روز به روان ما خودآگاهی بیشتری هدیه کند که بتبع آن درک عمیقتری از مرد بودن خود کسب کنیم. اگرچه این هدیه رایگان نیست!
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